Decorating the Void

I completely understand why people don’t want to open the void, the shadow, the door to their subconscious. I am one of them. Years ago I decided it would be easier to dive into the abyss than stay in the mental space I was in. I was disassociated, in an abusive marriage, a workaholic/alcoholic, and burrying my head in the sand as to how traumatizing my childhood was.

After 4 years of dealing with the glitter and gore of my shadow I have come to realize the interior starkness of total singularity, the great void could really use some sprucing up. I was going to be here for awhile, after all. Couple throw pillows, some plants, you get the idea.

When you have layers of trauma and abuse, the patterns seep into every aspect of your life, every cell in your body, every voice in your head. Shame really does a number of you. And it takes a long time and a lot of hard work to start to untangle. There are set backs, relapses, failures, and physical issues that need to be addressed, wounds to be soaked. And I would rather be nestled in the dark corners of the ether than a confused and lost soul on display.

It took me 2 years of sobriety to even realizing I had been abused, I still have trouble accepting it on days. But it happened. When you start to see the patterns your feel lighter + devastated, It eats away at you from the inside out. The holes were there all along, but now you can see them, feel them.

There is no end goal, there is no award for winning therapy, I asked. Accepting it fully means your whole life changes, and it is terrifyingly gut-wrenching and the best decision you will ever make.

Leaning on the system you make over time has been an ever evolving task. But I have come to love it. It brings me back into the present. Questioning the thoughts I am having and the emotions I am feeling. It is a skill that can be learned. Trying new hobbies, building a support group. We are not trying to get rid of, destroy, or abandon our voids, we are trying to expand it, incorporate it, integrate, process, decorate, bring back home, put a throw rug down; your inner child needs a safe place to rest.

Shame will tell you to hide, to hate yourself. Don’t listen.